No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
