Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
