you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If I die, sorry about rent.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
