when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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