If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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