I can text with my tongue
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
that may or may not have been my penis.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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