Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect