I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
