Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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