I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
