When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
