You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I want her autograph on my taint
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
