I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
