i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
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half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
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My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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