Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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