why didn't you poke me back
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
