Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
