After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
