Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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