I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
God, I missed his penis.
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