If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
