dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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