Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
