just tell him i said nine months
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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