I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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