On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
