I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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