im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
