so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
