cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
