Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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