I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
