For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
