I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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