By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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