You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
