Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
