im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
