need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
