After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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