i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
