Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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