Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
