You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
