I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
