she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
