Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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