I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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