Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
