I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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