oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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