She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
