I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
